take it easy

yes, a light hearted, easygoing diary that hopes it's not asking too much. accompanying its entries are memories of a distant ocean...

ah, i want to go swimming.


4th of May : Gentle, Quiet, Right

looks like rain! it's an extraordinarily nice temperature though. even last night long after sundown, the air was so warm that i had to open my window all the way. is summer upon us already?

i did some cleaning this morning. it actually felt really good! i don't mind doing chores at all, at least once i get started. there's more tidying to do elsewhere, but i think i want to relax for the rest of the day... that sort of thing is acceptable, is it not?

i drank two cups of tea this morning, too! one was some kind of matcha and rice green tea— very delicious. the other was three kinds of ginger, apparently? i think there was paprika as well, and tumeric. it tasted really good, even though i steeped it for too long. perhaps i'll have some more later on, and maybe some chamomile before bed. there's nothing quite like drifting off to sleep with a warm drink.

i'm thinking about... reworking this entire website. i've learnt some really interesting tricks recently. the power of the div element has only become more and more apparent to me. i think with some reformatting, i could make adding new entries a hell of a lot easier. i'm still thinking about implimenting a "next page" (or at least "read more") function, too. i wonder if i'm too attached to my layouts to go through with it? it seems like too much trouble to rework the cluttered css when it's just fine to start from scratch.

well, we'll see! i have plenty of time to think about it. i'm doing this for fun, after all. i just like to make cute things! it really is that simple!

1st of May : The Leaves Returned!

i just looked out my window into the sunny evening and saw the trees are all green! i'm so happy! they look so cute and cheerful, like broccoli florets in the sky. it really is springtime after all, huh? i hope for more warm days and more bright green plants... it was raining yesterday night and this morning, which was also really nice. the sound is quite pleasant, and all that water nourishes the foliage i so adore. i hope that everyone can grow up strong and healthy.

my throat hurts a little from singing too much, which means it's time to refresh myself on proper form and technique. i really, really love putting emotions into my voice, so i tend to get carried away by the song and not think about what i'm actually doing. is that what it's like to be a rockstar? haha, i used to think a lot about performing at an open mic night. i would still like that! one of the best parts of creating music is giving a good performance. perhaps it's a silly thing to say, but i love the stage, and the spotlight loves me.

i can't believe 5AMBF is already two months old. time flies! i hope i can do lots more fun things with this site!!!

29th of April : Grey and Better

too cold to go cycling! the wind seems to have picked up and the sky is all white with clouds. luckily i'd rather stay inside anyway— i've started playing Maplestory again!! there's some kind of event going on that makes levelling up super easy. i've played maybe a culmulative four hours and i've already advanced to my tier 3 job. sometimes it's tedious and boring, but i'm playing alongside someone i love, so i really have no complaints. there's nothing quite like listening to hard rock and slaying pixelated monsters. maybe i'll put on my favourite A Perfect Circle album & just really go to town, like i did way back in December.

i feel okay today. i think that things are going to work out. i was given permission to exist, so i want to exercise that more. i'm going to do and feel and say whatever the hell i want. freeing, isn't it? i certainly feel free!

if i don't make my important phonecalls by the end of this week, though, i'm gonna be pretty pissed at myself haha. there are other people counting on me and most importantly i'm counting on myself...! i think i can manage it though. i think i might be able to manage anything! is this confidence unearned? things like that don't really matter right now. i'm just going to live as i see fit.

April has been a long month, and not in a bad way. the sunrise tells me things are exactly as they are meant to be.

28th of April : Like Summer, but Not Sweltering, so... Spring?

as i write this, there's a cardinal singing nearby. i've just opened my window to hear it better. i used to sing back to them, but the ones around here rarely answer me. how intrusive and unsettling it must be for a human to speak their language!!! that aside, the weather was calm enough that i got to go cycling for a little while. it's a little chilly but the sunshine is pleasant, and it's not too windy. all in all, a perfect day for a bike ride!

i only went a little bit around the neighbourhood. the streets are still unfamiliar to me, so i didn't want to get lost like i did when i went walking in town. if i turn right at the orange house, i'll end up at a park! it was closed off so i didn't go inside, but my view from the perimeter was pretty good. it seems quaint, and there's a playground too. it's right beside a school, which had one of those "leave a book, take a book" libraries! i love those so much... there's another one that i pass by on my way to the library, which has more grown up books in it— for example, The Girl who Played with Fire, which i believe is the second installment in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy, as well as self help books, dime store romance novels, and Steven King.

of course, since this particular open air library was in front of a school, it had kids' books in it! i didn't stop to read them, but i recognised the Berenstain Bears, Franklin, Arthur, and a maybe a couple others. none of them appealed to me enough to take home, and my bag was pretty small anyways. maybe i could draw something and leave it in there? i hope a stranger would appreciate a kind message.

speaking of my bag! she is shaped like a chicken! i didn't know what to call her, so the name Benny was suggested to me. she is so very cute and she actually holds quite a bit! her wing on the side is a pocket too. i think i'll sew on a button. wouldn't that be nice?

i'm trying very hard to stay busy... i played enstars again this afternoon and it was really fun! apparently it's the franchise's 5th anniversary! they gave us a free 10 scout ticket, and i got 4☆ hajime and sora!!! i don't know anything about sora, but he seems cute, so i'm content. and i love hajime so much!!! i think he has my favourite design of all the characters. he always gets to wear the cutest outfits, too.

i feel restless and confused. because this is a lighthearted diary, i'll stop here. hopefully things will look up later today.

there's another park nearby, but in the opposite direction, or so i've been told. i want to see it soon. maybe if it's nice again tomorrow, i can check it out. and i know of yet another park that i might visit, but an intersection on the way there really frightens me! i'm no good when fast cars are around... with determination, i'm sure the roads and my bicycle will become more familiar to me.

24th of April : "This is the Sound of Me Being a Computer Genius"

it's raining again today. when i was out on my walk, it all blew right in my face! it was very cold! i do love the rain, but i wish that the sun would come out and i could go cycling. we got it from the shop two days ago and it felt sooooo good to ride it! it was amazing! the gears shifted so smoothly and my brakes felt amazing... the area around here is pretty flat, so i wonder how far i could go? hopefully we'll have a warm day soon and i can find out

haven't played enstars too much, but i'm full adjusted to the 10x speed. i can't imagine going any slower!!! i remember when i played the demo, i wanted to see how fast i could make it before i tripped up, and 10 was the max. i wonder if i could do 11? i don't really care to try, but i bet i could manage joyful box at that speed!!! or maybe the first MaM song...? waaah just thinking about it makes me want to play. rhythm games are like dancing for my fingers so it's just way too fun.

i want to sing more, too. i have this incredible urge to sing Florence + The Machine, or maybe Bjork's "Venus as a Boy." there's something so gratifying about making music. singing idly as i go about my tasks just brightens my whole day. i want to learn to sing these two tracks in particular from the Bungo Stray Dogs OST... they'll make fantastic lullabies. i hope one day i can accompany myself on piano too.

i feel very soft and happy right now, both physically and mentally. i'm content. i feel safe and i'm smiling.

21st of April : Kinda Chilly but Otherwise Fine

mom left on sunday night, the 19th. she did in fact like The Good Place ! enough to watch two full seasons of it in two days! i can't say we really did much else...? i baked four loaves of bread, most of which has been and will be consumed by her. whenever someone else brought me a slice, they put way too much butter on it... but its not like i could scrape it off, so i just had to deal with it. other people are quite strange huh?

i've been very tired and cold lately for no reason at all. i used to sit at my desk all day, but now i stay in bed where it's just slightly warmer. the weather is the same as usual. just chilly spring days... yesterday i saw a quartet of tulips, red and yellow and orange, and it was so quintessentially springtimey that it brightened my whole mood.

mom brought my old bicycle, too. i haven't ridden it in years, nor have i even looked at it, so it's super dirty and needs a lot of work. apparently both tires have holes in them, because after i pumped them back up, they were totally deflated after 45 seconds of cycling. it felt exhilerating to go that fast, but as soon as the tires went out, it got really difficult to pedal. it was like i was straining against the whole bicycle's weight... at least i hope that's because of the tires, and not because i'm super easily winded.

anyway, it's in the shop now and it will be fully repaired by this weekend. i hope that i can go out cycling. i miss being away from home; i don't think i've even left our street in a whole month. i also have some phone calls to make that i keep putting off... i miss the energy i had in march... nothing has changed for me, but everyone else being so upset really drains me. i can't help but absorb their feelings, you know?

ah well! hopefully i'll be revitalized soon! i know exactly how to make myself feel better (i.e. doing my chores) so, even if i have no energy whatsoever, at the very least i've got a strategy...!

14th of April : Good Days

yesterday was the thunderstorm! i woke up to the sound of heavy rain and it stormed on and off all day until the night. i had my window open just a bit so some water came in, but it was worth it for the sounds. i think all my favourite sounds are water sounds, actually. i like having my ears underwater in a pool because the filter is nice, and even hearing other people swimming is nice. i like ocean sounds (above water!!!) and i like storms. i even like all the fun sounds you can make with a glass of water. there are people who make music like that, aren't there? maybe i should join them. but that would mean learning how to make music...

some of the trees are starting to get their leaves back. i can't wait until everything is green again! my mom is coming to visit this weekend, so i hope the weather is nice for her sake. i want to show her The Good Place (2016). a while back, i mentioned it to her and told her she might like it. it's just so funny! and i'm a grown-up now so we can watch stuff like that right? hahaha. maybe we'll catch up on Catfish (2012) too... she has seen all the new episodes, but i haven't. more than anything, i just want to pass the weekend peacefully.

enstars update: there's a new event starting tomorrow (today? JST confuses me) and i kind of really want to play it... the 5☆ card is kaoru, who i don't know or care about, but he looks really cute!!! i also don't have a strong card in that attribute, so he'd be a good addition to my team. unfortunately, there are so so so many other things i want to do as well! and isn't it impossible to do well in an event without playing the gacha...? if dankira taught me anything, it's gacha or grind!!! and in enstars case i imagine it's like: gacha or grind forever and ever without reward!!!!! maybe if there is an eden event, i'll be more inclined to drop everything for virtual anime boys. i've decided i really like nagisa. i like his voice a lot, so i hope his seiyuu is having fun!

it shouldn't be too hard to make the updates i considered. it's all a matter of the dreaded sitting down and getting to it, because even though i know it will be fun and i'll learn things and i'll be so happy when it's over... i also don't want to! funny how that works huh?

10th of April : Hi!

so! hi again! the weather's been interesting. it's certainly springtime!!! the cherry blossoms have already begun to scatter. they really are short-lived, huh? what's the half life of a cherry blossom tree? hehehe. i wish the approaching thunderstorm would just arrive already. it's been cloudy for a while and i want to hear the rain!

i havent actually made any of the improvements i thought of haha... it's just nice to write things down like this! i guess there's no need to keep my plans a secret, since no one is reading this after all. i like the contained look but it's not compatible with so many longform entries... so i think i'd like to impliment pages somehow. maybe with a little bit of jquery? appear on click? stuff like that! .... i guess that's actually the only thing i really want to do. OH right, the flex containers. yeah, i'd like to optimise for mobile if possible, which is code for "i want my website to look good on my phone, specifically."

could also be nice to add custom cursors... and maybe some new pages...! there is still space for new links on the navigation so who knows? i want to talk about enstars!!!!! for my own sake, i need to keep notes on all the different songs. i'm really good at it but i forget the tiny parts that trip me up as soon as i close the game, lol.

i haven't been making a lot of music, and i never did get that ukulele i wanted... i really hope that i'll be able to buy it sometime soon! and i hope i could get nylon strings too? i do sing a lot, just casually when walking around the house or in the shower, which is nice! i think i'm a little bit intimidated by a couple of the songs i'm learning, and so that makes the entire activity feel oddly daunting. how nonsensical! i should just go back to doing whatever i want!

speaking of, i've been writing fiction again! since last december or so, i've been getting back into the craft and it is so rewarding. early on, i focused on getting out as much content as possible without regards for quality or "knowing what I was doing," which seems to have broken the ice. nowadays i don't mind putting in the extra effort to produce a spectacular first draft. that said, i do just skip over parts that i don't feel like writing or i have written but want to edit. keeps the flow going! i'm glad i can have fun with it and i'm very thankful that i can enjoy my work again.

media update: i've been watching Twin Peaks (1990)! i'm a little ways into season two right now. i swear, i could talk forever about this show. to keep it brief, i'll mention just a few things i really adore about it. first! there is a large cast, but they all have their own motivations and goals and bad decisions, which conflict with everyone else's motivations and goals and bad decisions. every action is a catalyst for another! that's just good television. second: it is positively absurd. its conflicts have heavy consequences, like, people are dying! but there are so many gags, both visually and conversationally, that it's easy to forget the show is a dramatic, sci fi murder mystery. and third... um... the dialogue is really good! yeah! there are lots of great quotes from Twin Peaks, some of which i think i will ruminate on forever, or maybe get tattooed. i really like it a lot and i'm excited to see its conclusion.

about enstars: 4☆ mika came home! i was hoping for the featured 5☆, but i'll take what i can get!!! i realised that i like valkyrie's songs most of all. maybe because they're dramatic and fun, and just the right difficulty for me to feel exhilerated without any overwhelm.

goodness, i had no intentions of writing so much! i guess once i start, it's just hard to stop right? i'm glad i have a little corner of the web all to myself. (well, to myself, and one known other! ♥)

21st of March : Hmm...

this site needs some work. i can think of plenty of little improvements to make, actually. i'm just not really feeling it! i guess i haven't been in the mood for web stuff... that's okay, too. i can do whatever i want with my free time. and i'm going to come back to this! i never, ever have to leave it behind.

that said, the weather's chilly but i saw many flowers on my morning stroll. daffodils, bluebells, violets... and the cherry blossoms look great. i am having fun every single day. that's all i can really ask for yknow? ♥

17th of March : Happy Birthday!

the weather is excellent ! i slept well last night ! and everything is honestly quite lovely !!!! i've been having a great passed few days... wow, i just feel really good? i can't even articulate it in further detail. like, well, for example right now my tummy hurts, and it's been hurting something awful since i woke up. at times it's been nigh unbearable! but i'm... still okay? is this what it means to cope?! to have your mind on the bigger picture??!?! whatever it is, i'm really enjoying it.

i did indeed get a wireless mouse for my birthday! in fact, i got two! they are both mega adorable. the one i'm using right now has a panda on it and it's very soft. it seems like the material won't get too discoloured even after years of wear. both of them are marketed as "silent" clickers, or whatever. and it's true!!! it will take some getting used to, but it's not like i was super into the loud clicking sounds anyway.

the passed few days, i've been paying closer attention to my posture. and wow, i have gotta say! it's horrendous! no wonder i'm so achey, yknow? but i don't think it's too late to fix it. hopefully i won't need one of those "sports massages" or whatever... i've been thinking about getting a wireless keyboard so i don't have to reach up to my desk, and maybe one of those neck pillows for sleeping on a plane... idk. i also just need to take my vitamins lol.

but anyway! today's been fun and good. i got the cutest birthday cards ever! the enstars game is fun as usual. and i saw one of my favourite movies again, the truman show! later this evening, i'll be watching The House at the End of Time (2013), one of my all time favourite horror films. surprisingly, i have only seen it once! i'm big on rewatching things i like, so it's funny that i'm only revisiting it now after such a long time of not even thinking about it. i remember the basic premise and the twist, so it will be fun to see the hints left for the viewer all throughout. if i recall correctly, the ending just about tore me apart. i wonder what my emotional perspective will be during this viewing, considering i'm quite a bit older now?

it's a little chilly, so i think i'll hang out somewhere warm. cheers!

15th of March : Life is Good

so, yesterday was awesome. i thought i was going to die waiting for enstars, and i almost did! i was going to play plants vs zombies until my brain melted! i considered redownloading the ENTIRE sims 4 collection (which i am certain my hard drive has no room for) even though it's such a pain to scour custom content and get things running... so instead ^_^ i made the best decision of my life ^_^ ^_^ & downloaded littlewood....!

it's a casual city building, relationship based, item collection & interior decoration simulation game! and it is...!!! everything i have ever wanted!!!!!!! like, it gives me the customisation i needed in animal crossing. and the farming is really hands off so i can't compare it to harvest moon in that regard, but the relationship system is similar. it takes place after a typical jrpg, so the nods to that genre are equally wonderful. there's no combat, but in certain areas there are hostile npcs that will shoo you off the map if you get too close. i much prefer it to stardew valley's system, that one was way too stressful for me lol. though for some reason rune factory combat never stresses me out, and i really enjoyed it in rf2 !

the dialogue is really funny! and the concept of the game itself like, the "main story" is actually really clever. the townsfolk are all really cute. like, they're all so charming i can't decide which one i want to marry... i think dalton and ash are SO FUNNY but they're better off together than just one of them with me hahaha. maximillion is cute too but his poetry sucks? and i really like terric!!!!! he's so cute when getting compliments... and lilith & zana are my favourite ladies, they're so fun!!!! mel is really cute too, i think irl we would be friends hahaha.

i just like it a lot!!!! i must have played it for like 12 hours yesterday!!!!!! i'm so glad :'+) it was really incredible.

enstars dropped while i was asleep. it was so great to wake up to it! i started right away ofc ^_^ it's a lot more complicated than dankira, but for the most part seems to function like cinderella girls (which i did not play longer than 15 minutes). it is just as engaging as i expected! the music is all really, really good!!!! there's not a single song that i don't like, and i can play through my favourites over and over for hours. genuinely! it's just awesome!!!!

while i was playing, it reminded me of my other beef with love live. in llsif, the hard & expert difficulties cost more to play. if you're just starting out and have a low ranking, you can only play one song at a time before waiting forty years for your stamina to recharge. like, why is bushiroad punishming me for being good at games?!? i shouldn't have to grind for months before i can enjoy a difficulty level suitable for me..! thankfully, enstars music allows you to play any song at any difficulty for only 1BP! i super duper appreciate it!!!

unfortunately, the gacha in enstars is mega garbo. this is exactly what i expected coming in. there are so many characters! and the rates are kinda awful! but i don't mind too much. i'm not here for the pretty boys, at least not primarily. they gave me an initial 5☆ eichi and i'm content! i just want to play the music!!!! however, i am saving up my daiya for when an interesting event comes along. if i've learnt anything from dankira, it doesn't pay to be impulsive with in game currency they expect you to purchase with Reall Dollars. anyway, i'll most likely only put out for wataru, mika, and rei. the Eden unit seems fun too, but i don't know enough about them to actually care.

oh right, the weather was great again today. a chilly morning and evening, but the afternoon was fantastic. i got to go on two short walks! we went grocery shopping too, which was quite fruitful. i'm excited to have so much food! we bought popcorn... my one true love... i wonder what i'll eat tomorrow? hopefully something yummy.

i'm just having so much fun. every day is fun! it's awesome!!! i feel great!!!!! i hope i can carry this energy into potentially stressful times. i don't ever want to forget this lovely feeling of "all right"-ness. very recently i was miserable! but i think things are okay now. wow! incredible!

14 of March : YES!!!!


also, i cannot stop thinking about that ukulele. it's so cute... i want it so bad T_T i keep fantasizing that someone left to buy it for me... this is a little embarrassing, but i want to talk to my mom about it and get her permission?!? hahaha, i'm turning 20 in a few days so i can't even believe it myself... i guess i just want someone to tell me yes, this is a great purchase! i mean, it comes with a gig bag! whatever that means! is it obvious enough that i'm an amateur? lololol.

if i buy it, i want to ask the store clerks if i can come back sometime to perform a song & show them i've given the pineapple a good home. i'm really... not that good. or at least, i could be way better! lately, i feel like i kinda suck at singing and even my fretting hand disappoints me. but i always have fun! that's the point, right? i love to sing! i love to make music! that's what's most important, i think.

yeah. i can exist. that's okay. and existing =/= being good at everything i do. existing means messing up sometimes and it really not mattering all that much. yeah. it's okay.

13th of March : Out on the Town

for some reason i woke up early today. it was still dark and i was kinda over it because i just wanted to sleep more. even after drinking a mug of chamomile tea i couldn't fall back asleep, so i've been awake since then! truly, today i am the five AM boyfriend. it was also really rainy and wet, a very grey day! people really don't like the rain, huh? i don't mind it at all, even if i'm cold. it cleared up by noon though, and now it's pretty warm!

i mailed a birthday gift to someone i love. i hope he likes it! oh, maybe i should have put my phone number on it in case he doesn't have it... oh well! at the very least, my name is on it so he'll be able to contact me if he wants to. the walk to the post office isn't so bad. in the future, i'll be walking that way to get to the train station. the person at the front desk was really kind! i hope that i didn't look too weird when i smiled at her. it's only $4 to send first class two day mail! incredible!

i also went downtown again and mostly just walked around. well, my mission was to go to the bank and i did! i didn't even get lost! i had a few moments of confusion, mostly because i was trying out new routes, but i made it there in one piece. that's what matters right? i think i'll get started with filing the forms to change my name now that i've got all my savings in the bank. how exciting!

anyway, before i went to the bank, i stopped into that music store. it's quite quaint in there! they had lots of nice things. i saw lots of pretty (but cheap) ukuleles. i asked for something more high quality, and they showed me the most darling little instrument i have ever laid eyes upon. it's called the pineapple! an ukuelele! shapped like a little pineapple! it's a light wood and has some engravings (carvings?) around the sound hole. it's soooo cute! i told them it was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen and everything i could want in an instrument. they said that it's the only one they have and they'd actually be sad to sell it (which makes me wonder, am i not worthy to buy it...? i guess i seem like an amateur. and i am.) it's $88 (which is not that bad!) so i said i would think about it and come back by the end of next week.

someone offered to buy it for me for my birthday when i told them about it. i hope they do!!!!! i really want it!!!!! i'd even go halfsies!!!!!!! honestly the only thing that stopped me from buying it right there was 1. i still had to go to the bank, and 2. i was a little nervous about spending money;;; i guess it's a good thing to not rush into large purchases though, right? i've already spent quite a bit! i bought a printer (which is actually very practical and will help me make money very soon)! and... not proud of this, but on impulse i bought a scale. honestly, i can't trust the one we have here at home and i don't like having to use it in secret. so having my own is ideal! i also got some clothes and accessories and a purse, so altogether that's like... um... idk about $130 ?? those are all just things for myself, so i feel a bit nervous to spend anymore... but it is my birthday very soon! do i deserve such a treat?

hmmm well, i think everything is okay. i have permission to exist now. at risk of sounding cliché, it's like a weight has been lifted! and even if bad things happen, i have permission that no one can take away. i'm happy about it. oh! and my mouse started working again! i'm glad it's not totally dead, though i still would like a new one. and one of those USB hubs. and a wireless keyboard. my desk posture is terrible! my workspace is just not ergonomic!!!!!!! hahaha

update on the enstars game: it's coming out the 15th! fingers crossed!!!! waaaaa i wanna play it so bad!

12th of March : White Weather

it's super chilly today! which is funny because last night i felt strangely comfortable with the window open? i don't mind it being overcast though. the thick layer of clouds always impresses me!

my mouse is super duper dead w_w idk what i did to break it or if it's just old, or maybe i spilled juice on it like three years ago? it's just super scuzzy on the bottom and i can't open the battery panel anymore. so it's the trackpad life now! or... is it a touchpad? and what were those little keyboard mouse mover button things called? those were cool but i can't recall ever being thankful for them. anyway, not having a mouse makes navigating a little difficult but i can persevere!!!! i asked for a new one for my birthday, which is next tuesday(!), so hopefully i'll have one soon.

i don't feel so sad or scared anymore. i actually feel really good! i'm glad that things are like this. last night at like 1AM i wrote a bit of a song. no idea how the melody will go, but i like some of the words i came up with. i hope i can write more music soon! i wonder how those "bedroom pop" people make music? ... that means their music was recorded in their bedroom, right? at least that's what i've always assumed hahaha. i don't really have any equipment. just a laptop and an ancient ukulele. i'll figure it out! i know it!

i've watched quite a few films the past few days and they've occupied some of my latent thoughts. i'm mostly thinking about how they worked out narratively, or the actors in them, or how i felt about them. i guess... maybe my film viewing experience is just backwards? i'm thinking about technical stuff first, and then the emotions and social implications while reminiscing. huh! that's quite odd.

i hope i don't mess up my wrist. the left one is kinda weird this morning. usually i can type and work on stuff for hours at a time without it hurting, but today it's pretty sore. i wonder what's up with that? i did some stretches and it was feeling better until just a moment ago.... uuuu i'm sad. i guess i could do text to speech? ... never mind. i turned off cortana so it's unavailable

this is super sad... i was looking forward to working on stuff. what should i do? maybe my posture is bad... should i look into a wrist brace? hahahaha having money readily available is going to my head. i can't just buy whatever i feel like.

10th of March : Getting Sick

feels like i'm catching a cold... i'm not miserable over it, not yet at least. all in all i'd say i've been having some pretty good days. yesterday the weather was gorgeous! i got to walk around without a coat on. my outfit was really cute actually. and i like how i did my hair.

the enstars game was delayed, which made me kinda sad. the new release should be announced this week though! and hopefully that means it will be released this week as well...? i don't know. making games is really hard! so i hope they can fix whatever went wrong without too much trouble.

hpmi ARB is coming out this month too. there's no official date though, so... it will probably get pushed back actually. maybe i shouldn't count on these kinds of things anymore? i'm just bored and sad and i like rhythm games. dankira is too easy to hold my attention unless there's an event, and i refuse to play an event until they're offering a 4☆ or 5☆ kei card. he's my favourite!

though for me, funnily enough, the boys are the least interesting part of the game. i don't care enough to read the stories— not even for events!— so i don't know any of their relationships or dramas. i just like playing the dancing game! and i like the "inventory management"...? the different things you need to level up cards and relationships are relatively short in supply unless you fork over the cash. since i refuse to spend money on virtual anime boys, the best i can offer is diligence.

euh.... i just want to play the enstars game. its expert level is the right difficulty for me to really enjoy it and actually perform well enough to get high scores. at least i can play the demo. i could practice getting full combos in the two songs they offer, though the only thing that trips me up are the little directional notes. it's hard for me to see which way they're pointing, so i have to rely on memory of past playthroughs... sigh.

could look into other rhythm games in the meantime... but... i don't want to get INVESTED. like, how impatient am i? B-project looks like expert mode would overwhelm me, but maybe the hard difficulty would be okay... idk, i have pretty specific criteria when it comes to rhythm games. like, the thing that pissed me off most with love live was the poor song selection. the songs i wanted to play were rarely available (*cough* soldier game) and even then, i could really only play the same (boring, misery inducing) song over and over for events... idk, this was like four years ago. maybe love live is different now? i don't care enough to look into it.

point is! i don't mind having to unlock certain songs, but if the only ones that i "should" play are LAME AS HELL then?!? what's the point! even muse dash kinda sucked like that, i didn't find any songs i really enjoyed right away... 3DS project diva had the best model as far as i'm concerned. i could play pretty much whatever i wanted after a certain point and, had i chosen it, the song could absolutely kick my ass. aside from the ass kicking, that's what i want!

dankira is great in that way too, from a mobile perspective. during events, the songs are both limited and in rotation but, discounting its overall pitiful number of songs, i can still choose something fun every time. and nothing is barred from me in standard play! i just... want to enjoy a video game. is that asking too much in the year 2020? hahaha.

7th of March : Peach Tea Breakfast

i've been making phone calls like an adult...! it's quite exciting! i mean, i'm still kinda nervous every time, but it gets done and that's what matters... is it to embarrassing to be proud of that? i feel kind of sad being such a loser when i'm already this old, but... it could be worse right? and even then, is it a competition?

anyway, it was chilly yesterday and the wind makes it pretty cold today too. but that's ok! spring is still coming, no matter what!

i just watched the 2018 film Freaks by Zach Lipovsky and Adam B. Stein and !!! i'm so emotional!!!! i just wanted to talk about it haha. surprisingly, i was so immersed in the story that i couldn't even think how i usually do during a film— analyzing the colours within and between scenes, praising shots that symbolize the narrative, or wondering about how it all worked behind the scenes. of course, there was a bit of that! it's not like i can just turn it off! but i ended up so captivated by the characters and setting that i was overwhelmingly focused on the emotion of it all. plus, seeing as it's a sci fi story without any heavy handed exposition, i also spent quite a bit of energy just keeping up hahaha.

it's really interesting how the Abnormals were stereotyped by regular humans as having no empathy. not just because of the whole "pot calling kettle black" situation, but how their slaughter and oppression is juxtaposed with Abnormal protagonist Chloe's escalating violence against others... i mean, she is seven years old. i don't expect seven year olds to understand that other people have their own thoughts and feelings, much less anything about morality.

Freaks is a coming of age story. maybe people interested in the "true meanings" of films could say it's about self acceptance and finding your inner strength when you feel the whole world is against you. that's fine! i guess! i mean, that's what Chloe might say about herself when she gets older lol... but she is a murderer. she's seven years old and she has taken at least as many lives. her last bits of dialogue imply that number is only going to grow. ...and i mean, good for her, i guess.

anyway! i really really enjoyed it! i must have been bawling through the entire last fifteen minutes of the film. Emile Hirsch played my favourite character, the father, who i really felt for. i think he really shined in the last half of the film when we saw how devoted and protective he really was. and i've gotta say, Hirsch did an excellent job looking stressed, haggard, and tender all at once! my favourite scene was in the climax, when he uses the last of his strength to save his daughter. i just about lost it T_T i cried soooo much

so that's my review!!!! hahaha. honestly, i really can't think of anything i would change or that i disliked about it. well, there was one line of dialogue from an unnamed police officer where he's just chatting to a civillian about what i feel should have been confidential information... it was important worldbuilding for sure, and it gave us a deeper sense of the main characters! and i'm really not sure where else they could have dropped it into the script, but where it ended up did feel slightly out of place to me.

then again, i don't really care to nitpick! the film accomplished its goal of making me emotional and presenting an interesting setting!!! i can't ask for more!!! Freaks... was really good!

5th of March : ^_^ ♥

yesterday i was downtown, and i got lost! then i got unlost about 15 minutes later, so it's fine. there's a music store really close by, which makes my heart wiggle! ドキドキワクワクするね〜 they had guitars and ukuleles in there, so maybe i could restring my ukulele...? or just get an entirely new one? haha, this one is so old, it's covered in dents and it's got at least two major cracks on its body. i'm pretty attached to it though, the stickers are soooo cute! though i kind of wish i had a different colour, i'm not super interested in the hot pink anymore...what if i wanna wear red, yknow?

it's super irresponsible of me to think about pursuing guitar again when i'm still garbo on the uke (ok, i'm not garbo, but there's lots of stuff i don't know how to do!) and i know a keyboard would be suuuuper expensive... so i have to really earn it before i can even think about it! unfortunately, there's only so much you can do with four strings. it's hard to make good bass sounds on this soprano ukulele with PLASTIC STRINGS... but then again, my hands are so small i feel like guitar would just overwhelm me. they are really huge compared to what i've been used to playing... i handled guitar just fine several years ago and i'm still the same size now, but i wasn't doing anything more complicated than playing the first few measures of greensleeves. idk, maybe there's something appealing about a small person and a big instrument (that's actually normal sized, he's just that small.)

and i'm totally forgetting i got a new instrument just a few months ago! the kalimba!!!! i haven't really touched it recently. it's really cute and fun though, i always have a good time messing around with it. ... now i'm thinking about piano again. it's been a dream of mine for a long time to play piano well, but i haven't really been in any position to learn it until... well, still not yet. i don't know. keyboards are expensive! if only i hadn't lost my old one... but still, it didn't have a pedal and it wasn't as big as i would have liked. i mean, i just checked out a suuuuper long book last week and i can hardly commit to reading it even though it's due at the end of march (!!!) so... maybe i really am not responsible enough for these kinds of things. even now, i guess i have a lot of self doubt.

at least i did a lot of laundry yesterday. so that's good! small victories, right? and i'm learning about CSS every day!

ensemble stars music comes out in four days. i'm really excited! today, i got my first full combo in the demo ^_^ i play on expert and it's really engaging, so much more than dankira!!, which only has four lanes. that said, they both play FULLY ANIMATED PVS during the rhythm game, and i can't handle all ten lanes in enstars with so much happening in the background. so really, if dankira was any more complicated, i would definitely suck at it lolololol. i'd still like to see an expert mode though. i bet i'd be great at it!

i wonder if i'd be any better at llsif if i played it again today. it was soooo hard for me before! but i'm definitely not going to even try hahaha. maybe one day i'll have a friend who has it installed but doesn't care about their LP and they'll let me play love novels, aka the best BiBi song ever.

3rd of March : It's Spring!!!!!!!!!!

the weather was really nice, even yesterday! it's amazing! i feel revitalized! ... well i just looked out, and right now it's raining... but that's fine! i like the rain too!!! i'm just so happy to see things starting to bloom. the trees have little buds on them, and one of them even had tiny baby flowers! i want to go outside more and feel the sunshine... i can't wait until it's summertime, then i'll be able to walk outside without a care.

lunch was delicious. i'm having fun with this website...! and i'm hydrated! i'm clean! i took a shower!!! awesome!!!! really, i have no complaints. i think i've learnt a lot too, when i look back at my old websites it's kind of amazing how far i've come in just a few months. i hope that i can keep learning more and more. even now, i'm very embarrassed of myself and the things i enjoy and how i spend my time, but i do it all anyway... is that okay? hahaha, this is supposed to be a lighthearted diary so i'll stop that now.

i wonder if i could grow something this summer? i'd want to grow heirloom tomatoes! and cherry tomatoes! and i bet everyone would be happy to eat green and red peppers fresh off the vine... i'll bake more bread for sure. i wonder what else i could learn to make? most of all i just want to feel okay. that's not asking too much, is it?

2nd of March : Waiting for Spring

today is.....monday! and that means! ... nothing. yet! i don't have anywhere to go or anyone to be! that might be refreshing sometimes, but i'm just bored... at least it's 1 more week until the ensemble stars! music game comes out! that's exciting!!! and hopefully my glasses will have arrived by that time as well. i can't see a thing!!!!

yesterday morning i woke up at the usual time, but then i blinked and an hour had passed! it was time to get up! quel vertige ! this morning wasn't like that at all, though i did stay in bed after waking up. soon i will have places to be in the morning... i can't wait! it's exciting!!!

just the other day, i learnt a manga i enjoy is getting a film adaptation! umibe no étranger ! ... to be honest, i have no idea what really happened in that story... the entire series is so "slice of life" that it hurts. for me, there are only a few events and characters that were remarkable enough to remember, and even then i have no emotional attachement...? i suppose all i really cared about what the pretty art, hahahaha, and some of the panels out of context look fun and fake deep! maybe the film will be more interesting, it's hard to waste 120min on nothing...right????

hmmm what else can i write? i'm happy to have launched this site yesterday! march is a good month! i'm happy it was on the first! i'm happy that i'm learning about flex containers! i'm happy that i can do whatever i want!!!! i hope you're doing whatever you want, too, future me!